Her Ambience

I’ve started writing ambient music… Wait not that doesn’t seem quite right. I am extrapolating and interpolating and stretching out my music into new forms that in the end is… well, ambient. Guess I can’t deny that. 

I am intrigued by how the original music does and does not make its way into the new form. In some cases, the evocation of emotions from the original are just explored in a new world with a new palette. Other times, charming original music will sound eerie. Or something scary will sound strikingly beautiful.

I know, the world already has plenty of ambient music. In fact, the new AI monsters could probably make some stuff that is significantly more pleasing to the ears. But something about yet another way to explore my original ideas through a new lens, with its own new way of being experienced, well… I don’t even know what it is. It’s almost like closure. That track has run its course, and it even got the chance to be drawn out in epic fashion.

Maybe there is something about that stretching out of time – wishing I could experience the joy of that creative moment, as long as I can. Rings true for me right now if I really think about it.

Pretty soon here it will be four years since I lost my wife.  That blows me away. How could it already be four years ago? The first week after she passed – felt like four years. 

I’m not asking to freeze or slow time down in this moment. Nor do I wish I could go back and slow down the last four years. But hey, it would be nice to go back further… yeah, let’s just slow it down... Feel life again in its best form. Carefree love, optimism for the future, a feeling like this amazing life will last forever. 

And yet, it is that last state of being that compels us to go ahead and rush through life. Like – “Life is great! And it always will be! I’ll stop and smell the roses when I just finish getting ahead at work. It’ll be worth it, trust me. We’ll be able to have even more roses! And our love will only be stronger.”

Those moments of bliss and happiness – do they really even exist? Did they actually happen? Yeah, I am sure they DID. But what I’m looking for? It Isn’t bliss. Sure, that sounds like it would be great, but what happens when things are blissful? You enjoy it for a moment and then you’re already moving on to the next thing either seeking out a new way to outdo the earlier bliss, or life decides you’ve had enough bliss and brings you … well, the challenges of life. Like a cancer diagnosis. Or betrayal from a friend. Or heartless treatment in your career. Or the death of people you love.

I don’t seek bliss. But I do seek… contentedness. Right? Well at least, I think I do. I want to feel like I’m enough. Like I am a good parent. Like I produce value in my work. Like I affect anyone with my art, music or writing. I think I want contentedness but if I truly felt content, would I have the drive to do well in those areas? Maybe not.

So, I have this urge to say that I wish to go back and hang out in the contentedness of my carefree life before my wife got sick, and before she died.  Ignoring the fact that you simply can’t do something like that – going back. The urge sure is strong when you lose the love of your life.

IF ONLY I COULD BE WITH HER AGAIN
JUST FOR A MOMENT
IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK
AND TELL HER WHAT SHE NEEDED TO HEAR
TO STOP CANCER EARLY

 But those feelings pass. I know I can’t do that. What seems to stick:

 IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK
BE WITH HER
ANY DAY
OF ANY MONTH
OF ANY YEAR
THAT WE WERE TOGETHER

IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK
AND EMBRACE HER ONCE MORE
KISS AND HUG
AND JUST TALK
OH GOD I MISS TALKING TO HER

If only, I could go back. And extrapolate, and interpolate, a MOMENT of our lives. ANY OF THEM. Stretch it out so I can feel it. So, I can be absorbed by it as it surrounds me.  Turn that moment into ambience and hear her voice and feel her presence, and be with her forever.

 And that’s where we are. Yep, that’s the thing. I think that’s the driver of my current neuroses.

 I still don’t have a label for what I’m looking for. It’s not contentedness. It’s not happiness. It’s the simple innate desire to be WITH her I suppose. Sure, I’d love to find a word that represents that feeling or situation, or event, so I can attempt to approach it somehow. But it isn’t a feeling, or situation, or event. I can’t recreate it.

 It’s her. She’s been gone from my life for too long. And yet my soul still aches deeply for her presence. I know I can’t have her presence right now. So, what else can I do?

 I don’t seek contentment.
I don’t seek happiness.
I seek her ambience.

Stretch it out… .. ..
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.… …. .…
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And feel it……. ……
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And let it absorb my soul …..…. …..…. ……... …..…. …..….
……... …..…. …..…. ……... …..…. …..…. ……... …..…. …..…. ……...
…..…. …..…. ……... as it surrounds me.…..…. …..…. ……...
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Live in the ambience and hear her.…….…. …….…. …..…... …….…. …...….. ….….... …….…. …….…. …….....
…….…. …….…. …..…... …….…. …...….. ….….... …….…. …….…. ……..... ….….... …….…. …….…. …….....
And be with her….….... …….…. …….…. …….....….….... …….…. …….…. ……..... forever.….….... …….…. …….…. ……..... ….….... …….…. …….…. ……..... ….….... …….…. …….…. ……..... ….….... …….…. …….…. …….....