🏀１. ＲＥＡＬ 🏀

My very first memories of it are fuzzy.  Partly because it was a very long time ago... and partly because they were fuzzy to begin with.

 I can't remember if it was a basketball game, or a track meet when it truly first happened - but regardless, I'm pretty sure it was a bus ride with classmates.  And let's be honest... this thing happened a million times afterwards. For sake of telling you how it felt, I'll go back to the one I most clearly recall...

 I remember I was nervous.  Very nervous.  Probably because I wanted to perform well... but especially if it were basketball, I didn't need to be so nervous.  I was pretty darn good!  But that's easy for me to say now.

 On the way to the game, I kept feeling kind of weird.  It was hard to describe.  Kind of like I was getting sleepy, but that's not quite right.  It was like I... kept waking up.  Repeatedly.  I think looking back maybe about a minute actually went by when I started questioning it. But it felt like it may have been more. Maybe an hour? Who could tell.

 Everyone else seemed to be having a jolly time. I was panicking.  Every time I "woke up" I felt even more disoriented than before.  How much more time had passed? Am I falling asleep? What the hell is going on?  What was I doing a second ago? 

 To this day I'm not even sure what I might have looked like in that moment.  That was likely part of my panic each time I “woke”. I had pretty massive social anxiety you see.

 I do know that the bus ride shouldn't have been more than 30 minutes away. This was like a conference game.  But it felt like... a few hours.  At least.

 In the iterations of waking up I started telling myself that I just needed to get to the game. Once we got there I bet I could get moving around and blood flowing and I'd start feeling better. I started breathing deeper breaths trying to calm down. 

 Time seems to pass in a blink – and next thing I know we're on the court moving around just warming up and shooting shots. A friend passed me a ball and I struggled to catch it. Pretty sure I jammed my middle finger. Oooof what the F is going on!? Don’t let on, just act normal – you can do this!

 I shot some shots. Every time I shot I'm like - is this how we shoot again? Fudge buckets and…

 I'm really starting to panic. What the hell is going on!? I shot a bunch of air balls. The team rightfully makes fun of me. I laugh it off but in reality my panic is through the roof now.  I give in to the feeling and go sit on the bench - feeling extremely exhausted and super confused.

 The coach comes over and can tell something isn't right. I shrug it off but he can tell I'm not quite right. He tells me he’s putting in the other center to start the game.  What the hell - no! I don't want this!  At least let me play PF then - seriously!? Hmmmph.

 Fairly quickly I realize it was the right choice. I keep losing time.  I’m trying to cheer on the team and pay attention but I keep feeling so strange.

 When else in my life had I experienced this sensation - losing time... Well there was that time I fell off my bike and hit my head on a curb...

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Yeah about that time. There were some similarities, I guess. I wonder…

 The next day the doctors later said there was no concussion... but I don't know. Back in the moment.. I spent the next half hour wondering where the hell I was.

 Who is this person I am following on bike? I knew they were a friend - and that I could trust them. But how did I know this? I don't know. Instinct, or something.

 We rode probably 50 feet...

 Wait… Who is this that I'm following on bike? What am I doing here?  Ugh what the hell!!!? Not again!!! OK I know I can trust this friend... why do I know I can trust them? I… can’t tell… but I can just tell… OK?

 Minutes go by... not sure what's going on. Repeatedly remind myself that I'm with someone I trust. They are taking me somewhere safe. Right? Just keep following you can trust them. Why? Shut up.

 We ended up at a pet shop. Oh, fudge blankets. I love pet shops... But why are we here on a day when I can barely tell who I am, let alone enjoy looking at pets that I don't dare purchase!?

 We looked around for a while. I am aimless and nervous. I eventually admit to my friend that I don't know what's going on, but I am feeling very confused and I don't even remember why we are there.

 My friend was alarmed and expressed that we should have gone home after I fell. No idea how I reacted right then – but earlier of course I had insisted that I was fine. I don’t want to miss the pet shop! I'm sure I did feel fine at the time. Bloody elbow is all. Still have a bit of a scar there actually.

 I blacked out the next bit. Suddenly we’re at my house. Oh dear god – how did we just get back to my house? My head hurt pretty badly at this point. Time kept skipping. I kept feeling worse every time I woke up. Friend must have explained as my mommy took care of me and made sure I was safe and she had a doctor talking her through it. They insisted we’d go in to the ER in the morning – where they’d go on to say they saw nothing wrong or concerning…

 Hmmm… But how do I know they’re my friend?  Kidding. But I had to wonder how such behavior was ‘normal.’

 We get home and I see I had purchased some Zebra Fish last night. Interesting. We went to the pet store? Oh yeah! I remember that now. But I don’t recall having any money.

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 The first half felt like it must have been four hours. The other center hadn't been playing very well - I had to get in there for the second half even if I was feeling weird. My teammates were saying it, and I knew it too, coach confirmed I had to overcome this troube… I needed to overpower whatever the hell this is.

 So I got in there and played my best and even though every possession felt like some kind of weird hell – it started to work a little. My teammates must have been able to sense something was up as they started running the plays like I didn’t need to be a part of it exactly. Oddly enough, it worked out in the end as found myself in my instinctive spot in the post – and well folks that is where I dominated anyway.

 See, I was quite tall for my age. Center may not have been a proper long term spot for me in the future – but in middle school? I was like Shaq or something. Not quite Dikembe – but I sure found myself getting blocks. WTF? I don’t usually get so many blocks! Suddenly I was taking control – rebounding everyone’s missed shots and getting the quick post backboard shot.

 I started noticing – somehow – that I couldn’t quite shoot like normal. So I HAD to use the backboard. Sure I did plenty of that before… But in this moment of pure instinct, I wasn’t going to question it.

 Instinct. Guard at the post. Block the fucker if they try to shoot too close. Oh of course they’ll be dumb enough to do that… Bring it… Bam, denied! Hurry pass the ball loser you’ll forget how to dribble.

 Hurry down the court. Post up. Grab the rebound. Boom – I got it friends - jumped right over all y’all fuckers!

 Toss it up... In! 

 Wow, what the hell was going on? I was literally in the midst of what I thought might have been a stroke. And yet – by leaning into my fundamental instincts I was doing extremely well. I didn’t want to question it. It was the closest thing to a stride I’d felt that whole afternoon.

 The game goes on and I’m still feeling weird. Of course late in the game I end up shooting some free throws. The feeling of everyone focusing on me there.  Oh fuck oh fuck it made it all worse.  Somehow I got through it – and it was like there was a slow release of pressure.

 But… then I started over thinking things so I made mistakes.  Ooops. We still won. I think?

 Over time my mind was starting to clear up. By the time we were getting back on the bus, I just felt like celebrating. And I’m sure as fuck not telling anyone about that weird shit. No more of that ever again please!