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Those memories – well no, those moments – were the first time I can think of where I started to realize I was different from my classmates. I felt like I was similar to them but must have some key fundamental differences that … well I just felt like an outsider. Like I didn’t belong there.

This super strange, disconnected feeling was coming and going – relatively constantly. The more I thought about it, the more I would get lost in the disconnect. And it became a self-fulfilling prophecy and negative feedback loop. It all had to mean something.

Did I have a brain tumor? Was I not really there? How can I be sure this isn’t a dream? Well for one thing was for sure - it was happening enough that I it couldn’t warrant a “dream” label. No this was just an uncomfortable reality.

I eventually worked up the courage to tell my dad about what I was experiencing. Which was … I don’t know… not a good idea.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my dad. In fact it isn’t like the mistake here was that he made me feel bad about experiencing these things – it was more like it turned into a personal mission of his to figure out what was going on. He had always cared about my health, but with this it was like he feared that he personally had done something terribly wrong and he urgently needed to right this wrong.

He started taking me to a special “doctor” at some regular intervals. Usually what felt like they might have been short checkups – but also they were kind of weird. Like I lost even more time at these sessions than I had in these frightening disconnected experiences. But it was a different sort of lost time. Somehow, I don’t know – it felt … benevolent. In fact I did tend to feel “better” afterwards.

These appointments usually started like a normal kind of checkup… checking over my ears, nose and throat, and listening to my lungs and my heart. But this doctor was kind of… weird. I don’t even mean like the way he interacted was weird, or robotic or whatever. If anything, I was the one who seemed to interact like a robot. But the weirdness… well it was the fact that he practiced a lot of “advanced techniques” that most normal doctors would not use. And he had a much more scientist vibe – than anything like a fringe holistic doctor or naturopath or anything. Not to denigrate those folks by the way – I just mean – he didn’t seem like that. But anyway, who am I to judge someone acting weird. I was constantly aware of how strange I must seem to people. Social anxiety for the win… I guess?

OK so the thing is, it’s like he hypnotized me. Every single session – and it was during the hypnosis that I lost time. Pretty much blacked out. I don’t think that is the normal way to experience hypnotism, but I shrugged it off like it was a special method they needed to use to help me through this mess, I guess? I don’t know. I suppose it was weird to me, as it’s just not what I expected would be the treatment for this situation I was in.

We also did a sort of mindfulness meditation, a few times we did acupressure, but it felt like he was just going through the motions to say that we did. 

Fairly regularly we did a special form of acupuncture. To my eyes it looked mostly like normal acupuncture, but the needles were connected to countless wires. Having said that, I hadn’t ever experienced acupuncture firsthand, so maybe it was always like this? I guess those tiny wires connected to the needles gave him some ways of delivering super tiny electric shocks or something. I felt like it was similar to what I’d observed of other Electro-magnetic stimulation (EMS) techniques. I don’t know – still seemed weird … but I guess it tended to feel like it helped.

Or was it making it worse?  Ugh I don’t know.

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I overheard my mom talking to my dad about these appointments a few times. She wasn’t opposed to them enough to insist I not go to them or anything. But she did seem to have a sort of discomfort about them that made me wonder if *I* should be OK with them.

Lots of whispers in well-under-breath arguments. Like they really didn’t want me to hear what they were saying. Little did they know…

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I tend to think some of us have hidden strengths. Where we must be better at certain things than others, to some unexpected level. Because people don’t seem to ever look for it or even think that it would be possible in the first place. That probably sounds kind of weird… but think about it.

Consider many of the “greats” from the past. Whether we’re talking about great athletes, or mathematical geniuses, or philosophers or spiritual leaders… They often had traits that really made them rise above others – in ways that must have been difficult for others to understand. I don’t mean in some consistent proven way that I am aware of – but in whatever ways it needed to be for them to excel in their fields. I am guessing countless others have gone under the radar with special talents that no one EVER noticed.

For as long as I can remember… which was admittedly starting to feel weirdly not very far back… I don’t know like maybe it was only a couple of years… Is that normal?  I only have the tiniest memories of when I was younger. To the degree that I am not even fully convinced that I actually experienced it! I wonder if this phenomenon is common for those facing the same things I was experiencing. I mean - or was anyone experiencing these same things?

But here is the thing. It is like – playing phone tag with me was a strange experience. The thing would start. And everyone would pass on their messages, it would get to me – and I’d repeat what was first said. If I was the one telling the group what I heard – they would get confused and angry. I mean isn’t that what we were supposed to do? Get the correct message to the end of the line?

Such games made no sense to me at first because I thought everyone was like me. If we can still hear each other whispering – why is this even fun? People just looked at me blankly when I would ask questions like that.

Now I know it’s unique. I can/could control how loudly I hear sounds. Particularly useful in relation to people talking. Whether closeup, or relatively far away. Through walls, or from floors beneath. If I could focus on it, I could usually hear pretty well what was being said.

Sometimes this didn’t turn out so well for me. Like, ooof, I really wish I hadn’t heard that. Or, why doesn’t that bitch come and tell me that shit to my face!!! In fact my overhearing eventually became such a source of distress for me, that I only listened in to things that I either knew were likely to be harmless – or if my curiosity just got the best of me and there was nothing I could do to stop myself.

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The whispers would tend to be things like “are you sure this is the right thing to do for her?” Or “be careful - what if this causes Eve more … fundamental problems? Revert recombinant re-settings are so traumatic – especially for the young ones…”

I use those two examples because that’s kind of what it was like. Half of the things they’d say made perfect sense. And I might even agree with what they were saying. And the other half was like they might as well have been speaking another language. I did NOT understand it. But I also wouldn’t dare ask them and give it away that I could overhear their conversation.

I mean, if you perceive that you have a unique skill - telling others about it is a quick way to ruin your ability to harness it. Right? So, I guess I better just collect the info and hold onto it. I don’t want some kind of reversed recoiled resampling to happen… so… Onward we go disoriented yet filled with strange curiosity.